Iraq-the-Movie: Lebanese Cast

Here’s the cast of the upcoming Iraq-the-movie. To be shot (in more ways than one) very soon in Lebanon. OK, it’s silly so take it with a grain of salt.

Nouri el-Maliki will be played by Fuad Seniora/Sanioura

Hapless PM who believes that peace, love and kisses will win the day with hardened totalitarian thugs. One gets tough with Condi knowing she can’t, or won’t, hurt him. The other claims his Iraqi government’s independence from the US. Meanwhile Nasrallah and Sadr are running wild, destroying any shred of nation building groundwork.

Muqtada “Mookie” Sadr played by Hassan “Divine” Nasrallah

Black turbaned, frequent visitor to Teheran. Don’t forget the same paychecks and the same disregard for human life and state authority. To be fair, one prefers bombing embassies, while the other is partial to bombing mosques.

UNIFIL: US-Coalition Troops

Well-trained and equipped western troops. There to help the locals, who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground, build a modern working nation.

US Ambassador Khalilzad = US Ambassador Feltman

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Saddam Hussein: Jamil “Beau” Sayyed

Formerly all-powerful and uniformed man-in-charge, or almost, now rotting in jail and telling anyone who will listen: “I am a nice guy.” Many people worry the SOB could be freed and back in power while rabid fans can't wait.

Fiend Ahmadinejad to be played by Speedo Lahoud

Nutty president, and number-one Hezbollah cheerleader. Loves going to the UN and giving speeches. Big idiotic smile suggests he’s just had a vision (or a swim). Truly believes that by merely existing he is doing his people a big favor .

Ahmad Chalabi played by Michel Aoun

Staunch, mesmerizing, fearless foe of the old order and ex-American ally. Now very suspicious of America (who sorta got him out of exile) and very eager to kiss-and-make-up with yesteryear’s mortal enemy, just for the heck of it.

Grand Ayatollah Sistani: Maronite Patriarch Sfeir

Well-respected bearded older religious figure. Suspected to have wise views but when he speaks, he say too little too late, or it’s an outright blunder (let Mookie/Lahoud loose).

Bashar Assad will be played by himself.

As he plays the same “constructive” role in both Iraq and Lebanon.

Finally, nothing for you Nabih Berri Baby. However, since you love getting people around a table for idle chitchat, you can be the gopher on the set. Ya3ne the coffee and sandwich boy. Still, if that does not suit a legend-in-his-own-mind Mr. Speaker, we can get you the Norma Desmond role:

[Sultry voice and madness in the eyes]: I’m ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille**.




**Not the exact quote, but that's one instance where folks improved on the actual real quote. Actual quote is: "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."

Fatfat: Threatened? Write a chain letter

Thank you God. Thank you God a million times for taking me out and away from my original country of idiots.

I once swore I would never ever again put my safety and my family’s in the hands of the incompetent fools who run Lebanon and its security. And I get daily confirmation that I should stick, ever more strongly, to this stance.

My previous post(s) mentioned this sick Lebanese habit/tradition on the part of our leaders and officials. “I know who stole/killed/bombed but I am not saying” and the sycophantic press never thinks of asking the obvious follow-up questions.

Now, the man who IS ACTUALLY AND CURRENTLY in charge of security has information on the recent rockets fired at the UN building in broad daylight, and information on threats directed at HIM and at the country’s PRIME MINISTER. What is he, Ahmad Fatfat, going to do?

He is going to write a secret letter and lock it in a safe somewhere in case something bad happens to him??????

From the Naharnet story, full story HERE:

Acting Interior Minister Ahmad Fatfat said Saturday that he has put in handwriting "something" related to threats he had received aimed at him as well as at Premier Fouad Saniora.

He [Fatfat] said the perpetrators of such attacks belong to a "colossal security body, state bodies."

That’s right Faftat! Copy the above sentence 500 times, seal it in an official envelope, and hide it well until the next horrible crime happens.

(The other Lebanese curse is that we apparently have to acknowledge that Ahmad Fatfat is better than most, same with Sanioura/Seniora)

And BTW, to those of you who left the country recently, your government which can’t protect its own ass (nor its head, which is which is another story) wants you and your loved ones to come back. And don't forget to bring your lifetime savings with you. They want you to invest in the economy just in time for the next war.

I wrote somewhere else I am close to not giving a damn anymore. I think most Lebanese are getting there too.

Fun with Johny Abdo

Here we go again: “I know who did it (corruption/murder/bombing) and by God Almighty one day I’m gonna tell Mama on you”. And then: NOTHING.

Here is the story from Naharnet:

Johny Abdo: 'Lebanese Party,' Not Hizbullah Involved in Bombings

"A Lebanese party, not Hizbullah [Hezbollah], is involved in the bombings that took place after March 14," Abdo, who resides in France, told Giselle Khoury's "Bil Arabi" program on Al Arabiya TV channel on Thursday.

Thanks a lot Johny (yes, only one “n”). But really WHO is this “party”? I could not get the original Arabic. So did he say “hezb” (political party) or did he say “taraf” (“group or side”)? Does not matter. How about SPECIFICS Johnny? WHO? WHY are you not saying? WHAT do you know? The interview was on Arabiya TV with Giselle Khoury whose husband, Samir Kassir, was MURDERED in one of those bombings.

I did not see the “Bil-Arabi” program, but if she asked him the above questions, either she got no answers or the Nahar idiots did not report them (doubtful).

He [Abdo} also warned that Premier Fouad Saniora [Seniora] Parliament’s majority leader Saad Hariri and Druze leader Walid Jumblat [Joumblatt] were "in the sphere of danger."

Just beat me to it Johny, I was about to warn Walid and Foufou. So thanks for saving me the long distance charges. I doubt anyone is after bland Saad. And Saad, congrats on being blander than Foufou. I did not think it possible.

About Hizbullah's demands for a national unity government, Abdo said such attempts are aimed at undermining efforts to set up an international tribunal to try ex-Premier Rafik Hariri's assassins.

Yep Johny, right again though not exactly insightful. Lebanese cab-drivers have been telling their passengers just that, for weeks now.

He also described Hizbullah's victory as "strategic" and said it was "wrong to talk about the fate of Hizbullah's arms in this period."

Ok Johny, we disagree a bit here. It may be too late to talk about Hezbo's weapons, and there may be a better time. But “victory?" “Strategic?” A "Lebanese" party (i.e. NOT Syrian)? Could you be running for President next year? Shocked, I am shocked I tell you.

Johny Abdo was the head of Lebanese military intelligence at one point, so you would think he knows his facts. A Haririst, Johny fell out of favor with the Lahoud regime in its heyday. Back then, thugs manhandled his wife and pushed her to the ground in a Beirut or Jounieh supermarket.

He vowed then: "Stop it or I’ll tell Mama on you, cuz I know who did it"(paraphrasing, of course). Thank God Mrs. Abdo is now safe in the aisles of (Parisian) supermarkets.

This guy was a top officer and an ambassador, and is now a presidential contender and his idea of rule-of-law is “leave my wife alone?” What about the rest of the citizenry? What about the bombers running loose now? These people talk all the time but say nothing (and do nothing).

If we wanted an I-know-who-dunnit-and-one-of these-days-perhaps-maybe-I’ll-do-something-about-it head of non-state, we already have one.

PS Lahoud, Joumblatt and others also play this silly game. See Stop Corruption But Not Now, Next Time